This is the story of my rape.

I am putting this out here because I very often feel like it wasnt rape and I caused it... but.. well, read for yourself.

I was very lonely, after breaking up with someone and called a chatline. Met a guy, a year younger than me. We decided to go on a date, which went fine, he seemed like a gentleman. I decided to invite him back, but made very clear that if any fooling around happened I DID NOT want to have sex, it was too soon.

One thing led to another and we were fooling around, clothes off. I was semi ok with this, he pushed a bit for it but said it wouldnt go any farther.

Well, he got on top of me, and kept holding me down, and said stay still stay still... and went inside me. And continued even though i began to cry and say no. Afterwards, when I was crying he played sweet, saying, sweety whats wrong why are you crying etc etc. I asked him to leave.

I think this was rape. BEcause I made my intentions clear from the start - I wanted to wait, I had just met him.

But part of me feels like because I wanted to fool around, I t is my fault that it escalated and it happened. I still feel like something was taken from me. It brought up so many memories from my childhood - I experienced the same rape at the hands of the man who was supposed to protect me.

I dont know why Im writing this, I just felt the sudden need to share.

Thank you for reading dearhearts and shouldering some of the pain for me or offering your kind words.