Holding them no - there aren't very many people in my life that know how messed up I am - every time I try to trust someone with my secret, they get very upset and start blaming themselves or asking me why I feel this way when they are a part of my life. When that happens, I feel guilty and end up spending more time trying to reassure them that it's not their fault and they are enough for me, etc. than I do trying to help myself climb back up the spiral. I've found it's just safer to pretend that I am everything they all want me to be and that I don't need help because there's nothing wrong.

Maybe if I get the courage to talk to my T about this I can ask him to hold the meds for me and only give me a week's worth when I come in for session. This would serve a dual purpose as it would prevent me from skipping sessions because I feel like I lack the energy to get out of bed. I don't know that he would want that responsibility though.

Thank you - this really does mean a lot to me...