Well, BDSM isn't an area I'm extremely familiar with, but your post raises a few flags to me. I think your reasoning for wanting a BDSM relationship isn't healthy, which is to me the key issue here. You're using it as an outlet for what, to me, sounds like repressed emotional pain. I think it'd be more beneficial for you to seek a healthier outlet to work through that pain. Have you ever spoken to a therapist?

Mind you, I don't think there's inherently anything wrong with you having a BDSM relationship. I don't think it's necessary you give that up. I just think your attraction to it is for the wrong reasons, though I would welcome someone more versed in the BDSM lifestyle to correct that for me if necessary.

That said, and I know you mentioned that it was in the past and that I am wading into the parts of the lifestyle that I'm not familiar with, be mindful of your limits. I know play in the bedroom varies from partner to partner, but I'm concerned black eyes and busted lips might very well be pushing it. Just had to voice a concern there, and again, I welcome correction.

I hope things pick up for you soon. Know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending hugs your way.

Hugs,
Harley