Quote:
Originally Posted by unhappyguy
I'm in my mid-50's but have never been in a serious relationship. On the one hand, I want one; on the other, I do not have the skills and seem to be self-defeating. I don't even have any friends and, frankly, have such a bad record that I am afraid to go out and meet people. It is not fun. I am not a great conversationalist or physically desirable. I am tired of my problems.
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Also, I need to learn how to have fun. This was not learned in childhood. All I learned was how to follow commands. There is no going back to overcome a childhood without playmates and toys. I was raised to be an adult from the start and have been damaged ever since. I cannot change who I am or my past.
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I'm not good at fun either. I feel much in common with what you write. On the other hand, in my 40s things changed for me with respect to connection to other people - I found the love of my life, unexpectedly. Have you ever cared about someone more than yourself? A pet? Have you ever put someone else first? I'm a misanthrope, so I do not buy into the usual people-lover stuff but somehow this created a space for me to grow and see things anew. Maybe you haven't experienced that yet; I don't know.
I don't mean to be rude, but I think you are not so broken you can't grow and change. I don't believe it. How arrogant of me to say that since you know you and I only read a few of your posts. But there are many possible changes and you can't rule them all out, just that what you've tried doesn't work.
Fun - I was a little professor. I scoffed at fun. I am still not good at it, though my husband is brilliant at it. Is there nothing you can get absorbed in? Fun can be anything. You don't need crayons or parties. It could be cameras, arts and sciences, water, business, something in this vast world. I know it's not easy, and so far it's something I am still lousy at, so I do feel your pain, really.
I know you said you're depressed and have ADHD and physical pain. That is quite a pile to overcome with "fun." I would really recommend meditation to you, for gaining insight and some peace and inner strength.