Platinum, thanks for bringing this thread to the forefront again. I'm sorry to read of your unhappiness, but at least you know you're not alone in the misery that as is said, loves company right?

As you've pointed out, aging makes a big difference. I am almost 47 and that makes it harder mentally. I see ads for jobs and it makes me think they don't want to hire someone my age. I'm sure you can identify with that even more than me. Also, my son he'll say "Don't you think I'm tired of this or that?" but what he doesn't understand - can't understand, is that I have 20something years on him of being impoverished and never really breaking free of that nothingness lifestyle.

It sucks, hardcore - that's the only way I can succinctly word it, lol.

Saw a shrink recently for my SSA eval and learned a new term. I said, "I want to be careful what I say here... I'm not 'suicidal', but if I didn't wake up tomorrow, I wouldn't mind that at all." He said that's called passive suicidal ideology, so hooray, add that to my symptom list.

Sometimes what helps is giving into imagination. I am a writer so that does help a lot to delve into someone else's mind for a long while and bring it to life on paper, but other times I use my imagination and just fantasize about that perfect life... my 5 people you'd meet in heaven, you know? That place where all the things I love are there, all the people and creatures I cherish....

But then sooner than later, reality burns torrid through the fog of blissful imaginings.