Speed, this could have been a totally different story if you had had access to the ativan. What jumps out at me are the dynamics between you and your husband. The loss of a child puts a terrible toll on a marriage. And I imagine that the way Jason died was especially horrific.

Do you think you and your husband are able to sit down and sort out emotions and how each of you feel? The myriad of emotions you felt when Jason died were your emotions. Your husband had his own emotions going.

Sometime couples therapy helps after a major loss. Do you think your husband my be willing to participate? You've already lost Jason, now I think you need to focus on your marriage. Jason is always with you so by changing focus you won't be forgetting Jason.

Do take care and be good to yourself. I do hope things get better for you.