Thank you for your input guys, I guess im just trying to figure it all out in my head. the past few years have had me very confused by my own actions.
I used to go to therapy but had a break whilst I was 'stable' for a few years, im currently on the waiting list to see a psych again. I have a telephone assessment next week so ill just have to see how that goes. daunting getting back in to it all again!