yes me too...infact those were the exact same words I said in therapy this week..."I don't want this history".....I also said I feel I need a "higher authority" to forgive me....as I don't feel I have the ablity to be the one too do the forgiveness....forgiveness to me means acceptence and Im not sure I have that strenght just yet....but I know my goal is too find that strenght....and too turn the shame and self hatred I feel... into admiration for how I survived all I did......that what I've been through will one day be off benefit in helping me carry on suriving and living!.....

You know what if everyone in the world had a chance to throw their life experiences into a pile and we could choose someone elses life....I'd pick my own!....so that tells me I can deal with this and at some level I'm glad I am who I am.