Hi I just wanted to clarify something which is my fault I worded it wrong. The man I am with now isn't the one who did the black eye, etc, that one was a few years back. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 14 years old and it has yet to help me. And I've seen several different therapists. The man I am engaged to now isn't abusive towards me. The only time like I said is in the bedroom when I want it. It actually bothers him b/c he doesn't want to hurt me. I have tried the therapy, medications, self help books, you name it I've tried it. I will be fine and then something triggers past emotional pain. The more emotional pain I am in the more I like to be hurt physically during sex. I would describe it like situations where people cut themselves to relieve the emotional pain except I use bdsm. Yes at the point in time I ended up with the black eye and busted lip I sought out a very dominate man for that exact reason. I have issues stemming from childhood when it comes to men. My father basically abandoned me and my sister til I was old enough to babysit his new kids and I grew up with a very verbally and emotionally abusive grandfather then at 17 I was raped by a male friend. So pretty much every man in my life has hurt me in one way or another all leaving me feeling sad, depressed, worthless, etc. When it comes to everything else in my life I am the dominate one I take control over every aspect of my life except in the bedroom. My fiance is a great man very caring and understanding. He's been my best friend for 7 years until we decided to take it further. I am just afraid that my borderline obsession with wanting to escape the emotional pain through physical pain during sex is going to be to much for him. I realize that the things I feel I need aren't by any means normal but they make me feel free if that makes sense. Until I got into the relationship with my fiance I was utterly miserable. I had put on 200 pounds, I started drinking all the time, I was taking Vicodin and Percocets like candy, and I didn't get out of bed. This was all last summer. Then one night I was sitting writing a suicide note (which I'd never even considered suicide before) and it dawned on me, I didn't want to die. I had too much to live for so I got rid of the pills, stopped drinking, in the last year I've lost over 200 pounds, started working, and decided I deserved to have a better life than what I did. I threw my kids father out b/c he did nothing but sit around and drink ridicule me mentally abuse me and I was done. For the most part I'm happy but the past emotional hurt creeps up on me and I need that sexual outlet from the emotional pain. IDK I'm sorry I'm rambling on. I have been seriously considering going to counseling b/c I think eventually it may become an issue and destroy everything I've worked so hard to overcome.