The relationship I was in that I got the black eye in was a few years back. The one I am in now isn't abusive. We just engage in bdsm and we do have boundaries. I just have a tendency to try and go beyond those boundaries to get more physical pain but my fiance won't do it b/c he's afraid of hurting me. It's just like I need that release from the emotional pain. It gives me a sense of freedom being abused. That right away triggered something in me that there was something wrong with feeling that way. That is why I posted here b/c I was curious to see if there was anyone else who has ever dealt with something like this ya know. I just want to understand why I feel this way so I can change it if it is going to destroy my happiness.