I've been struggling with SI for almost 10 years, more on than off unfortunately intrusive thoughts can be a real nuisance, especially when deep inside you know you aren't truly who your thoughts make you feel like. You have no need to feel ashamed by this, no judgment here Counselors/therapists can be very helpful, and they won't judge either because they just want to help.
Like Samantha said, more people go through this than you may think, so you don't need to feel ashamed keep posting, we're here for you