I'm curious about the practice of using your individual therapist as a couple's therapist also. I can see bringing a partner or spouse to a session here or there to discuss the primary client's issues (eg what does the partner observe when the primary client is depressed/using/grieving etc) but not doing couple's work when the therapist's primary allegiance is (as it should be) with one half of the couple. To my mind this creates a very dangerous triangle and is unfair to the partner.

Just to be clear, I think reading your email is a huge violation of your privacy and I'm not sure how I'd cope in your shoes. I think that if you feel that this is ?(or may be) a relationship you want to save, it would be a great idea to see a therapist together. But make it a different therapist who doesn't have an outside relationship with either one of you. Bringing your partner to your therapist would likely only serve to make her feel more threatened and excluded.

If you decide you want to save your relationship, how could you go about building more intimacy with your partner? Of course she can't meet all your emotional needs but that's kind of a red herring. What she is saying is that she doesn't feel close enough to you and is jealous of the closeness you have with your T. She needs to learn how therapy works and maybe she needs her own individual therapist to understand that emotional intimacy is a really important part of the therapeutic relationship for many people. But maybe once you get past the sense of betrayal you also need to hear her saying she needs something she isn't getting.

I'm assuming with all this talk about emotional intimacy and couple's T that this intrusion is not part of a larger pattern of controlling or abusive behaviour. If it is, and if you feel monitored and spied on or constantly on the receiving end of jealous rage well, that's another story. Then you need to run.