I've been thinking about it a lot.....my BPD and problems, and crisis points I've reached in the last few weeks, and I've come to a conclusion though this could be very premature. This is kinda repetitive to some things I've said on other threads lately, but in order to explain myself I need to add them here.

I believe I've had BPD my whole life. It was horrible in my teens and early to mid '20's with dating and starting married life, but after a while, it settled down as my life did. It NEVER went away but I could cope for the most part. Not perfect. I've had other times of prolonged unemployment or working at home, I worked for a horrible principal and had horrible kids (during which time I disassociated much of the time), I became suicidal for a while after my son was born, and when my dad died and I was disowned by my mom, I pretty much lost it. In each incident, however, life would go on and the traits would soon subside again or at least get where no one was the wiser. I had no friends...I vehemently pushed everyone away, but it was necessary and I could life with the loneliness.

My life has completely changed in this past year and a half. My daughter was raped and I befriended her boyfriend because it was the only way I knew to try to help her. Within a few weeks, everything came out. In addition, my daughter moved out of the house, the blow up with the boyfriend occured, I moved 2,600 miles away to try to escape and avoid arrest (he threatened me with harassment charges because I wouldn't leave him alone) leaving my job as well as my two daughters behind, tension with my husband was through the roof because he didn't understand any of what I was feeling and I was often criticized, I've been working nonstop from home working insane amounts of days for over a year, and I've attempted to make more friends. Like I've said before, I was okay without friends for a long time, but that friendship made me want friends, opened the door, and I've had issues along those lines with clinging to people, getting too close, and feeling persistantly lonely ever since. With everything, I became a mess and for the most part am still a mess. I've been doing anything I can to try to help myself and have entirely embraced the mindfulness/meditation. It's not perfect, but I do believe it's one of the only things that has kept me sane the last few months. Ask anyone who's watched me over the last six months or so...I've deteriorated gigantically, and I blame most of it on my work.

Well, within the last few months, my overall life has settled back down. I've once again reached the "status quo". My husband has a job and the tension for the most part with him has decreased...not that he understands, but he honestly doesn't see most of the mess I'm in now so isn't on me about it. I've gotten used to Idaho, have made peace with quitting my job and being away from my girls, I'm still having issues with friends but I feel as though I'm doing a little better, and I'm regulating my time on PC a bit better so I don't start flipping out or building too much paranoia there. There's only one major element still missing....an outside job. I'm hoping, and if my "history" continues as it has it should...that once that last thing is acquired I'll reach that "coping phase" again.

I could be totally wrong. I could just be having a good day and it's manifesting itself here....but I hope so.