Rainbowzz,

In my opinion, you were raped. The guy should have take the responsibility of stopping when you said to stop, or slowing down when you said to slow down, and of being aware that the agreement was not to have sex, even if you fooled around.

If this has been on your mind, and you're reexperiencing a lot of guilt and doubt or anger about that, or what happened to you as a child, it might be time to find a therapist or counselor. Sometimes you need to work on the aftereffects of childhood trauma.

There can be forces in ourselves at work when things happen to us that are destructive. This is particularly true if there's a pattern, or an echo of childhood-- And we can learn to protect ourselves better from the thoughtless or uncaring hurtfulness of others better.

Talking more about your life, and how your experiences have left you vulnerable to further trauma might help you to feel a lot. First, you might be able to reduce your sense of guilt. Even as important, you might become able to speak, or act, more strongly in your own behalf, when things are becoming hurtful.

Vautrin