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Old Aug 24, 2013, 11:50 PM
htebsiL radnalaS's Avatar
htebsiL radnalaS htebsiL radnalaS is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Jun 2013
Location: So. Cali
Posts: 1,495
continued from here: click: my recent sad post

so i tried sleep and things don't look better.

haven't heard from bf except once sent text on thurs saying i'd sent confusing messages and that we'd talk later.

then yester he left message saying he'd be available all weekend if i wanted to talk. i haven't called and he hasn't called back either.

i am holding out because i think it's best to wait and see what he's capable of. will he come to me with humility and humbleness? will he miss me enough and appreciate me enough to make a bold next move?

i had been holding my breath for certain things to be aligned before i talked with him about some things that became a problem for me. and then the made this accusation in a text that something seemed deceptive with me saying i'd be spending 2 nights in hotel with parents and that we'd talk whenever.

i felt shocked & angry and hurt with his "whenever" comment. then he hung up on me 3x when i tried to call and talk.

all this while my parents were here. when i should've been focused on them i was instead focused on trying to resolve this. i went to his place to talk in person after his work but he never showed up. i called several times and no answer. eventually two hours after work he called and said he didn't want to talk now.

i had now gotten suspicious of him after this incident and numerous times him not trusting me. i was playing out in my head that he was with some coworker. i asked he said he was alone. i said i was waiting for him at his place. he said if i was staying there that he'd stay somewhere else. i asked who with and he said alone. i don't really think he was with anyone but it was my fear.

when i asked what i could be deceiving him about he said he hadn't said that but that he had said it seemed deceptive. i tried to keep talking but he hung up. i was furious and felt pushed too far. i left a note saying i couldn't believe he was dumping this while my folks visited and that he had succeeded in pushing away someone who had been committed and monogamous and faithful. i took all my stuff from his place. i wrote that if he wanted to use the note as some evidence that i'd been deceptive, that he should think twice.

i even sent email saying it made sense my message to stay in hotel didn't make sense and that i was sorry and explained what had changed. though i also sent this info without the empathy or apology in text right after his intitial text saying it seemed deceptive.

often what seemed like great anger from him in my interpretation later he either downplays or my perception was off. keep in mind i grew up terrified of my dad's rage so i am sensitive to that also.

it's all his hanging up that pisses me off and now as i think of it i think well, he has the right to not talk to me, to end a conversation if he wants.

his response to that was a text the next day saying not to worry and to focus on parents and that we'd talk and besos (kisses) the way we usually end notes. i was confused because it didn't seem to fit after my note and taking my stuff. i thought he must be in some denial or something. then yesterday this message about being available all weekend to talk, but no besos or any other terms of endearment we usually use. at the time i thought, that's it??

i want more from him to initiate any talking. and i wonder if i'm not being unreasonable or acting from victim mode like, "i'm so hurt and angry. you have to show me you care first... you have to show me you can own your part in all this after all my attempts..." on some level it sounds like pride and i'm a firm believer that when pride begins, love ceases... there is no room for pride in love. that's my belief.

after all i had been holding in, wanting more affection, wanting more appreciation/recognition, his drinking, the disrespect i feel sometimes. i have been working on my part; to be more self-sufficient regarding affection and appreciating myself, and taking care of myself and speaking up when i feel disrespected. all that has helped me and i'm glad for the strength i've gained. i thought he had integrity and was trustworthy. now i see less and less of that.

i'm sad thinking of being alone again. my bday is in sept and i'm afraid of being alone then. and in general don't want to be alone. i have no friends. i'm thinking of getting a dog. it will occupy my time and energy so that i won't miss humans so much.

i am glad for the time with my dad and how our relationship took such a beautiful turn.

i don't know if i should call my bf. i don't know if i am being unreasonable by not calling.

ultimately i think what i am saying to myself is that unless he can show he has more to give then i'm done. am i wanting too much?

is being with someone i feel criticized and disrespected by and unappreciated better than being alone? what about the fact that how i feel is MY responsibilty and not his. the fact that i feel criticized disrespected and unappreciated and the fact that that is exactly my issue with my parents growing up means that the feelings are all mine.

i am sensitive to feeling criticized and disrespected and unappreciated and i want to be tougher. like Lisbeth Salandar character in Dragon Tattoo trilogy. i love her toughness her survival her NOT letting feelings of victim take over. i don't want to feel victimized. truth is i feel victimized by my bf and i think there is something not realistic in that. i am not a victim. so that makes me wonder if i shouldn't just call him...

i'm not clear if i'm not calling him out of pride and feeling victimized and hurt or am i not calling out of clear boundaries and strength?
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