Quote:
Originally Posted by growlycat
You have months to start planning--no need to return home next summer, it is clear that you need help so you don't return home ever. I hope you can be as open with your T as you were in the phone call.
What concerns me is that you spoke of grad school...does that mean mom pays and you have to return every summer? Oh no I hope not. I am a fan of higher education and all but a grad school degree is not worth the price of being controlled by a monster.
You are doing so well. Please take care --- feelings can pass but actions are permanent.
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I have to return here in January. If I don't cave to her a little bit, I will get completely cut off. But I did manage to make it so that I won't come back here before Christmas. Which will be extremely relieving when I am safe at school.
Technically yeah it does. I'm not 100% certain of what that would entail. Some MM programs are free but I don't think the ones I am interested in would be. I will eventually start trying to get jobs. The problem is that I'm still too young to really have a fighting chance at them. I'll still have the same problem with finances considering that I need money to fly out and take auditions. I don't think I'll be able to get away for at least another 4 years, maybe sooner if something completely miraculous happens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LolaCabanna
ok seriously, 5 more days? 13 pages of affirmation and still the thoughts of suicide? There is no reason you have to go back there next summer, especially if you plan for it now.
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You can write me 1300 pages of affirmation and it still wouldn't change the way my mind distorts the world when I am here. It wouldn't change the way my mother psychologically damaged me to the point where I can't totally believe that I can live on my own. She made me feel like I am a weak, incomplete person who will never be capable of being a functional, normal adult. She's told me that I will never be a functional, normal adult literally over and over again when I was a very small child. I had no choice but to believe my mother.
I can't help that my mind keeps turning to suicide when I think about my life, especially when I am in this house and in constant fear of her flipping out at me. If I could change I would and if people online could change it, I would be okay. I can't help having suicidal thoughts, but I can help the way I react to it. Just because my mind keeps telling me that the only way out of this cycle is killing myself, that doesn't mean I have to do it.
I'm not posting and talking to people because I am trying to fix this. I need real help from people trained to handle situations like mine. That's apparent. I don't expect anyone or any group of people to just take away my fear and the damage I endured after 20 years of abuse from my parents. I am posting just so I have some sort of outlet because I have nothing. I like journaling just fine. The problem is that they don't talk back. They don't help me feel less lonely. I already feel bad enough for annoying everyone in this forum with my crazy, misplaced ranting. I just don't know what to do and this isn't suicide or self harm. Sorry if I'm annoying/frustrating you.