I am convinced that Lola cares or she wouldn't be on this thread. Sometimes you can relate to someone so much that you desperately want to throw them a lifeline.

No, it isn't a good time to try to figure everything out at once. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but there is the idea in psychology of "learned helplessness"--no it does not mean that you are weak or stupid or anything like that--it means that your mistreatment has taught you that none of your actions matter.

but they do.

We are all just fellow patients here and a real professional can help you fix this.
As much as you can help it, don't be MORE unkind to yourself than your mom is.