Ok, this goes back forever but it ended so badly and this is a relationship I would like to have better closure on, even if he chooses not to talk to me, that's ok...it's worth it to me to try.

We dated on and off for over 14 years. One of our biggest issues was that he was extremely extroverted and I was not...we never seemed to be able to come to some understanding of how to compromise on this. I got dragged to a lot of parties around a lot of people I never knew for years.

Also he is textbook narcissitic personality disorder...I got scolded one time on vacation while we were getting ready to go out for trying to dry my hair and he was not done with the mirror yet (my Ts love that story). Anyway, there are lots more examples and several conversations with 3 different Ts about him, so I feel very comfortable diagnosing him as such...obviously I know him really well. I also think he knows something is wrong with him but he doesn't know what...he always has to have people around him and can NEVER be alone; it sometimes seemed very uncomfortable to be him.

He hurt me a great deal over the time we spent together, although we had a lot of good times, too. I was always the one to end things with him and then the one to initiate contact with him to start seeing him again, usually when whatever dating relationship I was in failed, or even when my marriage did. I know at some points when things were good, and they COULD be, I truly loved him. It has always been extremely hard to let go of him as we have had some of the best times ever and we have wonderful chemistry.

Ok, down to the point...in Oct. 2010 we were dating, but it wasn't going well, and I knew it was going to end yet again. My therapy wasn't going well either, and my T terminated with me out of nowhere based on a very complicated combination of transference and countertransference feelings. I was very open with my now ex as I was devastated when it occurred...but I think all he heard was that I had feelings for another guy who also had feelings for me, and how INAPPROPRIATE this was on my ex-T's part (although my ex-T never did anything inappropriate with me, ever...and was also getting consultation re: his feelings for me). My ex totally assumed my now ex-T and I were having sex which could not be further from the truth. I was hurt at the time that he would think I would do that at all and also to him.

Now, 3 years later, I just heard he was retelling the story about me and my ex-T to one of his friends like it just happened yesterday (yeah this is a little annoying, since I assume he told ALL his friends...but his friend told me he still sounds hurt) and was saying he hoped I was doing okay, etc. I feel after the respect we always showed each other even when not together (it was easier then, of course), that we should meet and have a discussion about how this ended; I think we both can do better, and I feel like I would like the ending to be better for BOTH of us, since he still seems upset as well.

My T agrees its not too late to perhaps "fix" this if I want to and have better closure. I realize my ex may totally not wish to talk to me and that's a chance I am willing to take. I know email is more impersonal, but a phone call would put him on the spot. I was thinking I should email him my intentions for us to communicate re: the situation and hopefully put the whole thing to rest, since we both deserve that after so long spent together. I was going to ask him to meet me for lunch on a Sat. or Sun. After that I don't expect further contact at all...I just feel unsettled and would like to look back on this knowing he has a clear understanding of the situation. (And that my ex-T and I never, ever slept together, or even touched; this is insulting to both me, my ex-T...who had a lot of grace and loads of boundaries...and my therapy. )

Thoughts? Thanks!

(P.S. Besides a brief recent dating experience for about 2 months, I have not seen anyone at all since he and I stopped dating in 2010. So I am not afraid at all to be alone. Plus my depression and anxiety make it too hard to see someone, part of what I learned recently with the dating...)