I was diagnosed with PTSD just under a year ago but its been something Ive lived with for most of my life. I get awful nightmares and wake up yelling most nights.

I started self harming when I was 9 I kept it a secret until my mum found out when I was 13. it was around then that I started to get what I now understand to be flashbacks. I tried to talk to her but she said I should speak to a professional and I was sent to therapy once a week where Id spend the hour in silence for fear of talking.

I didnt want to talk because what I had inside me was something I thought nobody knew about, something I couldnt express.

When I was 16 I attempted suicide and it was only then that I found out she knew what had happened but had been told by a psychiatrist that I would probably forget so not to talk to me about it. So I had grown up thinking I had to harbour this awful secret that no one knew about. Im 26 now and I feel like its still such a huge part of my life. I get reminded of what happened every single day.

I get this fuzzy feeling when I smell when other senses are jogged that reminds me of back then.. cigar smoke or cider.. any memory of that time.
Its like Im not in me, I feel like Im just outside my body, like Im a different person, I dont feel like me. Sometimes its just a fizzy feeling, sometimes I dont remember what happened. Its like someone else is in my body for a while, I might have walked somewhere and "woken up" and its a strange thing to find out that youve been acting weird and dont even remember anything of what happened.

Im not sure what I want from this post, maybe does anyone else have similar experiences?