By my description of her to my pdoc, he figured that she had a mood disorder of some sort- likely BPD. Her cruelty was bizzare (well isn't it all) and her punishments went way beyond the 'wrongs" that I had commited. Other times she was fiercely loving, in a crushing kind of way, and it was confusing and traumatising and I hated her but wanted her to be my Mom.

When I was 7, she developed MS and went down fast with that terrible disease. I felt so guilty for my anger and still wanted her love, but could never talk to her.

She died at the age of 50, when I was 24, and I was trying to include her in my own babies' births before she went, but it couldn't happen.

When she died I felt nothing - no grief - but relief that her suffering was over. I still feel numb, even though I know in my mind that I was invalidated, abused, and motherless. I know I need therapy and my T has started with that, but it feels hopeless.

I don't know how much this has contributed to my Bipolar disorder, but my pdoc says that my illness goes back to childhood. Genetic plus stress maybe.