Ugh. I'm having another bad day. The kicker is that in a way I don't feel all that bad and can almost enjoy the day... sort of.

I'm really anxious about school starting tomorrow. I'm afraid I'm going to sleep through my alarm and miss this first class. That would automatically get me dropped from the class, and I need the class. I'm hard of hearing and have an alarm clock that's 113 decibels. I've been known to sleep through that.

I don't want to go to school. I'm afraid I'll screw that up even though I've been doing well for the last few semesters. I'm afraid I won't get a job even though I'm going into a high demand field (accounting). I do like accounting, though.

I'm tired of the rat race. I don't look forward to the rest of my life. I have no people in my life. I should probably get a therapist. I left a message with my Pdoc but haven't received a call back. The voicemail box I reached seemed unusual, so it's likely nobody listened to it. I lost one good friend due to religious differences. She's Christian and I'm atheist. She moved to another state and never said goodbye. She won't even add me as a friend on FB.

I sent my nieces some presents and haven't heard back from them. My mom keeps pushing God on me. I know she means well, and through religion is how she copes. Just not helpful for me. So I can't really talk to her.

Rational thinking isn't helping with the anxiety and depression. Listening to calming music makes it worse. Doing chores hasn't helped. I thought that accomplishing something would. Hate chores. There is nothing that I want to do everyday. Xanax has no effect. The klonopin is helping. I just hope it won't make me so tired tonight that I sleep through my alarm. I had to take something. I was sitting there quivering like a piece of jello.

Just wanted to whine, get this off my chest. Going for a walk now. Maybe the sunshine will help. Got a new mineral sunscreen from the dermatologist that's supposed to be very effective without going on white like zinc oxide. I'm very sensitive to sunlight and am allergic to chemical sunscreens. So, I've been avoiding going outside from 8 AM to 7 PM, otherwise I will burn. I carry an umbrella as a parasol when I absolutely have to go out during the day. That gets old. My avoiding sunlight is a source of depression for my. Imagine having SAD during the summer in Florida!

Anybody have a magic wand or some fairy dust that I can borrow?