Okay so I'm not sure how to explain all of this but all I want to know is if this is linked to my Self Harm and is something which was caused or if this is something else which causes my self harm, and if this is okay to show my counselor?
So I wrote a note thing last night when I was upset, my counselor asked me to bring in some of my writing when I told him I write my feelings down sometimes. I typed it up, and here it is.
I'm writing this all down right now because I think I make more sense and I can describe these things better when I'm sad. I can't get them out of my head, all of the what if's... what if there are nuclear weapons being pointed at us right now but the government aren't telling us because of panic? They wouldn't want panic. What if I'm not real or all of the good things and even the bad things have been a dream... I want my life to be real but I don't know because people could be here for me like a fantasy land and they won't do anything, it's like 'The Truman Show' his world only exists for all the people... They're not here, neither am I. Sometimes if it's like in my head I'm really far behind the hands in front of my face and I can feel my skin, but I can't feel me touching my skin, I'm like a ghost. I don't know what's wrong with me or my body or my head, if it even is me but I don't know if I have any control over this like I'm sitting behind my head but inside it looking out and I don't get to choose anything it's all there for me but I'm not doing it, I'm just watching. I just don't feel real. I want to be like someone else even the ones that I hate they're normal and they fit in. It's the worst when I put my hand on my neck, it's like, not me. It's not all of the time so I'm not crazy or anything. I think I would go crazy if this was more constant but it's only like once a day about ten minutes sometimes up to an hour. It'a not usually more I can fix it, if I'm with a blade and I bleed and I know that I did that to myself to my own body but it's not a dream I'm not like this usually, sometimes I am. I get scared a lot, like there's always a little worried feeling, there at the back of my mind but there are some things that bring it to the front. Like, when I got off the train and there was people from my school there and I got so scared and so sweaty. I don't even know why I'm scared. I can't stop asking myself, what do they think they know? about me? What do they know that is true? What do they think? What have they heard? Do they know how scared I get? Do they know I tried to kill myself? Do they still laugh about me cutting? It makes me cry when I think about going back to school. I'm just so scared.