I will be alone the rest of my life. I have no friends. I'm scared of making the same mistakes. My anxiety is telling me life is dangerous i wont make it on my fixed income. All this bc my relationship with bf is over. I need his humbleness and believe it won't happen if I reach out again. I've called a couple of times and no answer and I didn't leave a message. I pray he will miss me and want me enough to look at himself. But I'm scared I'm wrong and that i should just see how he has trust issues that prob started in childhood and approach him as the wounded boy that he is despite his hanging up on me and suspicions. I'm supposed to see therapist tmrw but am anxious if she'll end up just handing out more questions than answers. I think I'll scream if she answers a question with a question like, "well what do you think."
I am so scared anxious terrified alone. When i think of my plans to go to Africa or plans to adopt an animal i feel some relief but right now those thoughts also exhaust me bc i dont have the energy and it all feels overwhelmingly impossible. Experience tells me this will pass I'll meet someone else I'll be ok. But what if what if what if... How long will I be in this state of feeling pure terror. I want to die i want to die i want to die i am tired tired tired. Life is scary I'm turning 50 in a couple weeks and will be alone and i feel pathetic pathetic pathetic bc at this age i should be in a solid relationship and coasting thru life. I was planning on taking my Quito to cremation over the new moon on my bday and that's when i celebrated all 3 of our bdays and he has been in my freezer since January bc I didnt have a reliable way to take him and i want to be there for the whole thing. Now i doubt I will have the strength to do it then.