Today has been tough and I have found it difficult to do anything. My mind is so tired from all the voices yet I haven't spoken a word all day, except to myself. I have tried to do my homework but I cannot understand it. Although someone inside seems to understand as I did only miss two on the test last night. I still find it frustrating as I just stare at the book with no clue what I need to do. The closer it gets to Christmas the worse I feel. I should be happy but I am far from that. It seems the harder I try, the worse I feel. Life feels so out of control. There is no where to go and I feel there is no one to turn to. I fear noise but I hunger to silence. I shy completely to touch and desire to numb to nothing. It seems there is no love anywhere. And if there was I am too scare to accept it. Love always hurt. I did not want to be loved as it always required some kind of payment. Like with Christmas. Gifts also cost something. It made me feel worthless and dirty. When you believe that life is not worthwhile in and of itself, you believe you are not worthwhile in and of yourself. But you keep your secrets, you always keep your secrets. My mind and body seem to entangle. I feel trapped inside the glass once more. It seems I bang but no one hears. My mouth moves in soundless shapes. And if anyone hears would I know or let them in? Somewhere inside me longs for someone to just hold me but yet that cannot be because it is touch and my heart shuts down like a window-I get so afraid. It hurts to be touched. I do not know why someone caring is so painful, maybe I am waiting for them to jerk out from underneath me. I cannot help that contact itself, the touch of a hand or embrace seems a threat. Conditions were always a must, an expectation attached. My T wanted to hug me but I could not accept it-it hurts to be touched. And even though I don't think she would hurt me, I was still afraid. Why does love hurt so much? Maybe a better question is, "What is love?" We all want to know. Is there anyone out there? Can anyone hear what I cannot seem to make sense of saying?