I keep thinking it must be my fault because I didn't wear pajama trousers. I can see that's faulty thinking, but I can't shake the belief. I never thought to buy or ask for nice, cosy things to sleep in, because I guess I didn't see bed as a nice cosy place. But I keep thinking that, if I was being abused, I would have worn more layers to protect myself, so the fact I didn't shows I either made this up, or it was my fault, I invited it, because I made it too easy. My brain says: it doesn't matter if this happened, the fact I didn't wear pajama trousers shows I wanted it, shows I invited it. Faulty thinking but it feels like the truth.

I look back and see how my father isolated me from my mother. If he felt I was disrespecting him, he would bully and blame her, and she would plead with me to just let it go, that's just what he's like, don't feel like that. He turned me into a problem that was her fault. She was emotionally neglectful and she enabled him. He thought I should obey him at all times and he couldn't stand it when he felt I was disrespecting him. I think he felt entitled to take what he wanted from me, because I was ungrateful and disrespectful (he never stopped to think maybe I was disrespectful for a reason).

I kept telling people, mainly online friends, that my dad was hurting me, but I couldn't explain how. I didn't really know. People assumed I meant he was beating me. I keep thinking that would have been worse, which is probably more faulty thinking, more psychological defences. But wouldn't that be worse than just having sex with me? Is it really such a big deal or am I making a fuss about nothing?