Thanks, Panda. I think this minimisation is a defence mechanism. If I see it for what it really is, I won't be able to stand thinking about it. Minimising, finding ways to blame myself, means I can think about it a little.

I don't think I consciously gave it any thought. I think I just never wanted anything that was specially designed to be worn in bed, because I didn't see it as a nice, cosy place. I also refused to do anything to make myself look nice, didn't wear make up or anything like that.

Hadn't thought about fear of resisting. I want to say I wasn't afraid of him, but I'm 32 and he doesn't know I smoke as I'm terrified of him, now, as an adult, so I must have been scared as a little girl. I just don't remember. Or I remember events but no feelings - I assumed I just had no feelings until my T made me realise I dissociated from them.

Whatever I wore would simply have been removed. It's just an easy way to blame myself. But I am having huge trouble seeing it as a big deal. I know it is, and the ridiculous thing is I feel enormous shame and self-disgust yet I am still minimising the effect of it, the severity of it. I believe unwanted sex is no big deal to me, I see why it is to other people but not me, it doesn't matter to me. Its easier to see it this way.