I'm having such a freaking hard time with my Bi Polar Disorder!!!

I was diagnosed Nov 2012 with Bi Polar 1 Disorder, I feel like it's quickly becoming unmanageable on my own with medication. They have me on 20 mg Prozac and I did take 75 mg Saroquel. I had to stop taking the Saroquel when it caused an episode of sheer violence which ended up with my head making a hole in the wall. Saroquel just isn't the answer for me. I just couldn't clear my head, I couldn't think straight and everything inside me just wanted to give up at that moment. I stopped the Saroquel once month ago with out Doctor consultaion. I still have violent episodes where I punch myself as hard as I can in the chest or rip out hair. My newest episode is screaming bloody murder when I can't manage my thoughts and emotions any more. I have issues with feelings of despair and loneliness, then some days I am in a good mood. I have many more bad days than I do good days. What turns out to be a good day in the morning can change within a matter of moments to be an awful day. Even when I am having a good day, I still feel empty inside.

I think there is something else going on with me. Maybe Rapid Cycling Bi Polar? I'm starting to scare myself and just get so annoyed I don't want to be around myself. I want to be stable and happy again.

It's effecting my social life and family life. I refuse to talk to anyone, and I am very quiet most the time. I cry at least once a day. I have zero friends, and the friends I use to have, I've alienated. I am starting to alienate my family and my boyfriend. I don't know how to explain the extremes in my mood to my boyfriend. I know he doesn't understand.

I had a little Bi Polar episode yesterday at the grocery store. It was in front of my boyfriend and his sister. I had a mini melt down because I was so overwhelmed since we were at the wrong store, no one was listening to me (I truly feel this happens a lot), I couldn't find what I was looking for and I just got super depressed suddenly. I try to control myself, but lashed out irrationally at my boyfriend and just looked like a damn fool in front of his sister. I was upset cause I told him 4 times I wanted to go to a different store, and he didn't listen. I apologized for my behavior, then he's like "You're just crazy, it's ok...I still love you" I quickly took my hand out of his and told him that I wasn't crazy and it made me upset to hear that. It made me really think how under control I really have my condition in. It rules my life at times. Maybe I am crazy?

How do I talk to my doctor about this? I am afraid of taking more medication cause I don't know how it will effect me. I don't want to gain weight (It'll just make me more depressed), I don't want to be violent towards myself anymore though.

I purchased some books off of Amazon today:


Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament
(I used to draw and paint a lot, this seemed interesting to me)


An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness


Welcome to the Jungle: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Bipolar but Were Too Freaked Out to Ask
(Was recommended for people in the twenties dealing with Bi Polar Disorder)

I am hoping they will open some insight on my disorder. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I do plan on trying to get some more help. but I am scared.