So glad you came to PC. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. Sorry you couldn't get the support you needed when you were a child. When adults are grieving it's hard for them to notice the children are suffering to but don't know how to process it. I'm glad you are going to get professional help. I think you will be glad you did. I hope you and your mum have been able to reconnect. Family is important and I know how much you love her. Take care and try not to harm yourself anymore and see a doctor soon.
Gayle