Quote:
Originally Posted by UniversalTruth
She probably had post partum which caused her to be removed from being able to understand your emotional state... speaking from personal experience. You abandoned her and your marriage when you strayed - for whatever reason, that is what happened.
Because my husband is in a very similar situation as you... as he is now forming a close emotional relationship with a girl he works with as we have been and are going through some hardship in our marriage - I am wondering, what could your wife have done to prevent this from happening? Because of your story... I am afraid my situation may end up this way.
Hamster knows my recent posts... great advice and insight, as always.
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UniversalTruth,
As the wayward husband, I guess two things jump out at me:
1) If you question something, trust your gut. My wife trusted me (even when she didn't trust "her"), and that lead to opportunities for problems. Without those opportunities, I don't know if things would have progressed...
2) She has said if I "had put half of the effort into the marriage that I put into my affair" she would have reciprocated. I don't know how much of this is true, how much of it was said to hurt me, etc. What I do know is I was getting something out of the relationship with the co-worker.
Validation. When my emotional well ran dry, my wife wasn't willing to "toot my horn" for me (her exact words). This despite being 1%-ers, my executive level-job, her being able to stay home most of the last 2.5 years, while being able to live like money wan't an issue. That having been said, I was working 70+hour weeks (I had to be the best, work the hardest, be recognized -- somewhere), so slipping in eight hotel visits in over 3 months, long phone conversations, lots of text, etc. was easy to do.
I am not saying she was naive. She trusted me as she should have and I betrayed that.
I do wish she would have been willing to listen to me when I asked for her to "fill my emotional cup." She said she was too busy taking care of our children and didn't have time. I was too busy "being the best" at work that my contributions were monetary.
Today has been very hard for me. I am a planner AND a devil's advocate to the nth degree. I can't plan for anything right now (who knows what variable will change tomorrow).
I do know that if you are willing to try and figure out what his emotional needs are -- and meet them -- you are headed in a much better direction than we were. I would suggest marriage counseling. If you are willing, all the better. My wife wasn't the second they looked at her (it was fine when they looked at me). If you can find a certified "Emotionally Focused Therapist", they are great. I think if we had done this a year ago, we would still be together today provided she poured her half into the emotional cup, and she would at least know more about "me".
She knew I needed a lot of validation and re-affirmation. I am starting to believe she felt like withholding it from me was helping me to generate it from within. Instead, I found it elsewhere -- and will forever (
FOREVER) regret it.
My heart goes out to you and your husband. I pray your course doesn't follow mine.