Look - our society has made progress since Anna Karenina committed suicide, partly due to the inability to see her son. We no longer use loss of custody and visitation as a penalty for having an affair. The law and legal practice varies by state, but given that you had a discreet affair and weren't having your kids witness your relationship with a coworker, in most states you would not be penalized so harshly as to to be pronounced "not daddy" by the judicial system. And that is the way it should be - your abilities and responsibilities as a parent have nothing to do with your relationship with your wife. Of course, you cannot control her actions post-divorce, and she would be free to find another man to live with, and she would be free to request that the kids call him "daddy", but you yourself should not give up and yield to her. You should maintain your status as "the daddy" with the kids.

Just to interject since inside your thread is a sub-thread in which you and UniversalTruth are having an exchange - UniversalTruth was not in the shoes of your wife, being catered to monetarily and being carefree except for the need to tend to the children - she has had it much more harshly than your (ex) wife.

I understand that your wife is upset, but YOU should not let her throw the baby with the bathwater. She wanted to stay home with the children and you enabled her to do that. This achievement/contribution of yours is not going away simply because you have had the affair. Also, since money was not an issue, how come your wife had no time for you at all? I did not have any money when my kids were little, and did see that other parents who had money would hire babysitters and go out on a "date night". You are describing things that sort of clash with each other and leave an impression of "it does not compute" - you are describing a lavish lifestyle and at the same time a woman who cannot provide any emotional closeness to her husband who is the supplier of the lavish lifestyle. It seems that she is, simply put, a cold person (emotionally). Well, you actually said so in the OP...

Finally, in the OP you stated several dx's. And, that your wife "felt" that there were no problems and everything was fine. Well, she might have "felt" whatever she 'felt like feeling' (no pun intended), but she did not face the objective reality of your dx's. And you asked her to go to counseling, so you made an attempt at making things work between you and her. She disregarded your needs - why mourn the divorce then? You will find a woman who will not disregard your needs so blatantly. "borderline" is a rare dx in men - stereotypically, it is a female dx. Did she care to realize that you were especially vulnerable due to having this personality disorder?

I might be off because I am reading your posts only and not hearing her side of the story, but based on what you wrote, the picture I get is of a spoiled woman who likes the material conveniences provided by a marriage to a high earning man and dislikes the emotional inconveniences that stem from the fact that her high earning husband has unusually strong emotional needs. So, she is going to get the most out of the divorce - post-divorce, she will enjoy some of the material conveniences provided by your support payments and by her retaining a share of assets, WITHOUT having to be bothered by your emotional needs and vulnerabilities. So for her this divorce is a win - she will dispense with the hardships and only retain the positive aspects. That is probably why she immediately jumped to the idea of divorce, without any hesitation - she did not like being married to a man with high emotional needs, but did like being married to a high earner. Very simple.

Again, it is possible that having heard her side of the story, I would not be saying this.