I've even been off of the forums for almost 5 months. I've been off of pretty much all meds for 2 months, Prozac has completely gone (actually glad about that)

Thing is, probably the last month-ish I've noticed that my moods are erratic again, my brain racing all the time. What really triggered it was last night. I couldn't calm my brain at all, completely paranoid and voices going around and around. Ended up having valium which did nothing except hype me up more, not even sure how that's possible.

Remembered that I still had a few Seroquel left and I've had those which got me some sleep and calmed me a bit. Since then I can see all the signs and I feel so ridiculous for thinking that I'm just better. I've never accepted the diagnoses, plus I've had different docs say different things too. My new partner is really against medication, well not against but he thinks things can just be fixed with positive thoughts which I understand to a degree.. but how bad I've been recently shows me that I can't just not take meds or get help

Now that I've slowed down a little, I can see the things I've been doing. Impulsively buying cars and then selling them. Changing my ideas of career/study at least 10 times. Enrolled in about 10 different places then not shown up. Wasted money on studies I won't be doing now - I started them with the attitude of YES I CAN!! The first night the thoughts were so racing and nightmares about it all, not focusing. I've had moments of extremely wanting to just end it all. Looking to this past month makes me feel pretty bad and I don't want to accept any of it.

Still feeling a bit out of it as I haven't had seroquel in months, but it's keeping me managing hopefully till tomorrow when I have a GP appoint then get into the psych. I was almost at the point of going to hospital but fearful they'll just turn me around. Kind of paranoid about everything Even in posting here, but I need an outlet and some idea of if what's happening is normal, or if I'm really not 'better' as I thought I was..