Here is a link to the DSM IV list of symptoms:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK83241/

C (14) Sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal lifespan)

This has always been a BIG issue for me after high school. I was a great student, loved school, took as many advanced classes as I could in high school, got enough AP credits that I entered college almost a sophomore. Felt like I could "go places in life.

I was encouraged by teachers to go to a major university, so I did, and being about 60 miles from home, that meant being away from home for the first time ever on my own. In hindsight, I should have run with it. But, being a product of my father's gulag with its bizarre rules, I found it overwhelming. For example, ketchup was banned for years as threatening to his health, if he couldn't have it we weren't allowed - he would go into a rage if I told him I put it on my lunch in school - probably why I wasn't allowed to eat lunch in school after 9th grade. So, I was completely terrified to suddenly be in my own. Problem One with college, check.

Feeling confident (about the only time in my life), I signed up my first term for 19 credits in really hard classes, advanced calculus, honor's level chemistry and English, French literature, a chem lab, and honor's level physics. Results, predictable - way too much for me to handle. I flunked calculus, barely passed physics, got a 2.0 in chemistry, and 4.0's in the languages. I loved the English course, one of those really inspiring professors and genuinely kind and concerned. That helped. But overall, made me feel like a real loser, like I was toast in life. Problem Two, check.

Then, he tried to cut me off from home. He also, when I was a junior in HS, told me that I would go away to school. Now I know why, he wanted me gone. Took me and dumped me, like a stray dog. Didn't want me coming home on weekends, didn't want me calling. The summer before, he made me get rid of a lot of my stuff, but I didn't see the connection until I got there. His chance to rid of the no-good lazy gay bastard who had sex with his mother(all in his mind, I am none of those, well, ok, I struggle with the no-good part, surprise surprise).

I later found out he told people in his circle that he wanted me gone because my mother seduced me at every chance and that we had sex in front of him several times to spite him. Sick SOB. That really hurt, when I found that out I could have been literally homicidal, so it was a good thing I had a little cooling off period before I caught up with him at that time. I merely spat in his face, so he slugged him. I hit back, denied I instigated and claimed self-defense against a very disturbed man, which is the only reason I didn't end up in jail, it was close, a whole lotta cops at the house that infamous night. Only fist fight I was ever in, gotta confess looking back I kind of enjoyed standing up to him, showing him I was a bit more of a man, even if it was in a stupid reckless manner, than he gave me credit for being.

But, the worst thing, my mom and I got to calling - well, I had to call her so it didn't show up on the phone bill - at times I knew he was gone or hoped he was gone, which was hard since he had retired. Lotta hang ups on him, which was kind of gratifying. But it fed into his paranoia, too. It got a lot worse for my mom without me there to take the punches. She would break down into tears almost every time I called after a month or so. I felt extremely guilty about leaving. I was afraid he was going to kill her, literally. Problem Three, check.

So, with three strikes against me, my self esteem crashed, anxiety ramped up a lot, and it was high at baseline, and I became depressed enough that I fantasized at times about jumping out of the dorm window about 75 feet over concrete. Because I felt like I had no future. I guess something broke in me then, not as dramatically as I snapped last year, but bad enough. I always felt like, why bother, life is just pain and suffering and then you die a hideous painfull death. Like Thomas Hobbes, the political philosopher, said, "Life is brutal, nasty, and short".

I graduated, with a decent GPA that barely kept me in the honors level, but I flunked a couple more classes, changed majors several times, and ultimately got a degree in a field only because it was easy, path of least resistance, but with poor job prospects, not lucrative or prestigious enough, so I was the black sheep all around, with my 3 much older siblings as well.

I just gave up and stopped trying very hard most of the time, settling on that path, and I said, openly at times, why bother, I will never live to be 25. Then it became 30, then 35, then 40, etc.

"Just another day for you and me in paradise, paradise"- Phil Collins