so after therapy i feel a bit better. we're going to work on me taking things to an extreme and working myself into a frenzied panic. and i'm going to practice noticing when i shift from adult to panicked child. and writing what is going on with me and challenging my thinking. the shift happens so fast it will be hard. but i'll try it. she also wants me to start reaching out and stop isolating so much. i really let myself sink this weekend. i think the stress of my parents visit and getting my period and the full moon all made me very vulnerable. so when bf reacted i reacted big time. unlike one time when he left a message with some stupid accusation and i just hung up and chuckled and went about my day like nothing. it was a good moment for me. i was strong and centered and didn't get hooked into his drama. i will forgive myself this past weekend of despair. i was dealing with a lot.

i've been feeling a bit anxious that I'll sink again. but i will chalk that up to still healing from this weekend.

we talked more tonight. he has some immature perspectives on how relationships work. we talked about telling each other what we need when the other person is doing it. told him i don't have ESP. he takes things personally a lot. the thing is he doesn't see that in himself. anyway. i imagine everybody including me have their immature perspectives. i take things personally too. i just have to stay centered in myself when i know that what i am asking or wanting or saying or needing is reasonable.

he said that the last couple of times that i texted changing our plans, albeit minor inconvenience to him, he didn't like it. so that's fine. i can stop texting stuff other than hi.

i asked if next time he would ask for what he wants if i don't give it to him. i think it's more about the texting and less about me not elaborating in the text why the change was happening. okay. i know texting can be weird.

i am going to talk with him about all the things i think he thinks of me. negative things. things that i don't think are accurate and only keeps us distant. resentments.

i'm going to talk with him about trust and bring up the couple of things i highly doubt are truth.

it will be good. i've been waiting til now to talk with him about a lot of this. so now it's time. and i will remain calm and strong. it makes sense to me that this weekend was super hard for me also because i finally got my car and that's one of the things i was waiting for before i talked with him. i wanted to have the independence and security of a car in case things fell apart. there are several difficult things that i've been waiting to address til i had my car. like suing and ex in small claims and taking my beloved Quito for cremation. so while getting the new car is wonderful it also means i have to face some things that will be difficult.

my fears are that he won't fess up to what he has lied about. that he won't want to talk. that i'll burst with everything that i've been holding in.

what i hope for is that we'll have good productive talks that bring us closer. maybe i'll start with that. that i want us closer.

and if he doesn't want to talk or gets defensive, i don't know. i'll back off or i'll keep pushing. sometimes reality rises when people are pushed to the point of anger. not so that we're saying mean things we'd regret. but so that we can be candid and frank and real.

we have to get on the same page on several things like communicating needs and accepting that we'll hurt each other without intention. and that if i insist on doing something my way it isn't a personal insult to him. i have to remember that despite his denial he is very sensitive. and i can certainly relate to that.

it helps so much to type here. it has a different purpose than journaling for me. because something about putting it out there knowing others will read this.

i'm going to talk to him about how just stopping saying negative things isn't enough. he has to work on recognizing the positive. there are several things he used to have issue with me about. i have worked on them. he may roll his eyes not thinking i've done enough. that will be another thing, his eye rolling. it's very negative for me. if he doesn't think i've done enough, that will be a problem for me. i experience him as dismissive often and that has to stop too. there is a lack of respect that i experience. i've told him many times that he treats me like we're siblings, you know the way siblings bicker and fight and get ridiculous sometimes with all the history between them.

so i'll make a list of things i think he thinks of me.
and a list of things to talk about: trust, expressing needs, respect, eye rolls, hanging up on me, dismissing things i say

i will start with "i feel_____ sad. when you _____ i think _____."

I just sent him an article that talks about how we choose our mates

i said how much i love him and how important we are to me and how i think this article sheds some light on where we are right now... i feel very good about it. it will be interesting to see how he responds. i very much believe in what the article talks about. if he doesn't agree i'm not sure what more we can do. it takes two to make it work. it only takes one to break it. he may say that if we have to work that hard then what's the point. and that will make the decision for me. people study for their jobs and take training but some people think that relationships should just happen "naturally." i disagree. if we can't agree on this article as having a lot of truth and wisdom in it i can't see how this will work. i won't be in a relationship with someone who thinks it's supposed to happen just because we love each other...