Well, for me, the why of it is easy, if you feel like some whack job could take you out at any time, and simultaneously you wonder if it wouldn't be for the best, a kindness to get it over with, or if maybe you should off yourself preemptively, so at least it is on your terms, that tends to snuff out the will to live.

I once read that there were a lot of suicides in the Nazi camps, people would run into electric fences or jump guards or try to run out gates so they would be killed, they couldn't suffer any more. There was a famous book written very early after by a Jewish psychologist who survived a death camp, although his family were murdered, and he continued to secretly work as a therapist with the other prisoners as much as he could. I recall he was working extensively as possible with one man who had sent his children to Canada, they murderd his wife, and he became very suicidal. The therapist kept him going by thinking that one day he might be back with his kids. And, this patient survived and was able to go to Canada and be reunited after liberation. Although I'm sure he had one whopper of a case of PTSD after that, he survived. It was motivation that kept him alive.

That is what I guess I lacked. A reason to not to give in. A feeling of hope that it didn't always have to be like it was.

My health insurance doesn't pay for any outpatient. ATT, I am able to afford what I am doing, weekly therapy, seeing the psychiatrist every 1-2 months.

I didn't know there was such a thing as a trauma specialist. I guess it makes sense, though.

Can you tell me more about the workbook? This is what I guess I am looking for, a roadmap out of the dismal swamp. I am sick of getting stuck in quicksand and chased by alligators.

Thanks.