I have been like this- the one with depression that pushes away. I've been married for 10 years and I go in and out of long periods where I don't like or really want to be with my husband. Somehow we have gotten through it. It is very difficult for him to understand as he has never felt this way or had depression. I have no idea how to explain to him how I feel. Now I cycle faster between up and down moods which makes it worse sometimes. Any weird trigger and I go down quickly- even if I was happy earlier. It is very confusing to him, but he has stuck. Im sorry this man can't get himself to a place where he can learn to deal with his own internal and still share love with you. You seem to want to stick and make it work which is key for someone with depression to have. Medication is definitely key for me, but some people just don't want to medicate themselves. I wish I had some advice or way to make it feel better. One day at a time. I do believe everything happens for a reason, but it sounds like your emotions have been tossed around so much. I hope it gets better somehow.