My only real option right now is a mental ward. The first time I went to one I actually had a lot of hope and self admitted myself. After days of abuse they released me and I was many times worse. Every ward since then have done the same.

If I have tried mental wards around me, and gave them an honest shot, multiple times mind you over years, and they did not work...
Then what else is there?
No one seems to have the answer other than JUST TRY ANOTHER WARD! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

I understand your fear of hospitalization. I find it sick that it is the only option for many.