I know and understand your aversion to hospitals.... had my first 'experience' as someone with a psycholgical issue going in. Needless to say its caused some anxiety. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me. I might not have any advice but some times having that ear helps. I have been in your shoes a few times with being depressed and some times having that faceless person i can talk to without fear helps alot!

I hope you find what you need, just please dont do anything silly, to many people would miss you and who knows maybe down the road your experiences now may help someone in your shoes. The world would be down a very good person.