About myself:
I am 19 years old and on my 2nd year at University. Good social/school/work life.

Now let's start with the fact that I only have had sex with prostitutes, 12 in total (had sex 14 times). 11 of which I 'did' this year alone.

This sexual behavior has caused me to put non-paid sex as some kind of irrelevant fantasy, out of my reality. I still approach girls and enough of them like me but I can never truthfully 'go for it' with a girl.

It just seems far too scary for me to be so vulnerable, to really show a girl I like her beyond the 'picking up'.
This is especially apparent with girls in my social circle because I get to know girls until the point where it's obvious we like each other and then totally ignore them because of the fear of being vulnerable.

In my mind opening up for love and sex to a girl is like showing her the way to damage my heart.

I just can't trust girls to not hurt me when I finally let go of my 'shield'.

This is also apparant in my sexual encounters with prostitutes (I try to keep my distance, no intimate cuddling etc). Although I still feel good with them because they'll never even want to hurt my feelings.
I only addressed this with the last girl I visited but I couldn't tell her why yet but I was able to be a bit more open to her (she is my age).
I also valued talking with her more than the sex (Just like with drugs, the urge to 're-dose' and visit her again is high because of this).


Relevant life occurrence:

-Got a hard crush at HS, talked to her a lot and asked her out. Word came out that I didn't have the money to take the girl out on a date (without going dutch). I felt stupid to trust her in keeping things between us.
Afterwards one of my best friends made her his GF which hurted me too but I accepted it because I was happy for him.