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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
Just to interject since inside your thread is a sub-thread in which you and UniversalTruth are having an exchange - UniversalTruth was not in the shoes of your wife, being catered to monetarily and being carefree except for the need to tend to the children - she has had it much more harshly than your (ex) wife.
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Understood. I should do more reading on others' situations before I jump in and offer uneducated opinions. Thanks for clarifying...
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
I understand that your wife is upset, but YOU should not let her throw the baby with the bathwater. She wanted to stay home with the children and you enabled her to do that. This achievement/contribution of yours is not going away simply because you have had the affair. Also, since money was not an issue, how come your wife had no time for you at all? I did not have any money when my kids were little, and did see that other parents who had money would hire babysitters and go out on a "date night". You are describing things that sort of clash with each other and leave an impression of "it does not compute" - you are describing a lavish lifestyle and at the same time a woman who cannot provide any emotional closeness to her husband who is the supplier of the lavish lifestyle. It seems that she is, simply put, a cold person (emotionally). Well, you actually said so in the OP...
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Interesting you say this. Even when she was staying home, she had "pre-school" so she could have a mommy's morning out three days a week. It was always for "the good of my son" (socialization, education), but I never could understand why she didn't just find mothers' groups and socialize there...
She lacks empathy, and is one of the more "mean" people (emotionally and otherwise). I am walking a fine line between demonizing her now to make myself feel better and the truth, but simply put -- she used to work in the medical profession. She used to make fun of patients, their families, etc. It disgusted me. She is a "people watcher" who will sit at lunch in a restaurant and "make fun" or "criticize" people. Those are facts, so I don't feel like I am passing judgement. Those are things I witnessed (and was subjected to many a time).
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
Finally, in the OP you stated several dx's. And, that your wife "felt" that there were no problems and everything was fine. Well, she might have "felt" whatever she 'felt like feeling' (no pun intended), but she did not face the objective reality of your dx's. And you asked her to go to counseling, so you made an attempt at making things work between you and her. She disregarded your needs - why mourn the divorce then? You will find a woman who will not disregard your needs so blatantly. "borderline" is a rare dx in men - stereotypically, it is a female dx. Did she care to realize that you were especially vulnerable due to having this personality disorder?
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Why mourn the divorce... You aren't the first one to ask me that. I guess a few things come to mind, a) I don't like change. This is bringing A LOT of change. b) I like to have some amount of control over my destiny (I am a quintessential devil's advocate and planner). I don't know what is happening tomorrow, let alone have my 24 month "budget" like I used to have. c) I have an overwhelming fear of being alone. I will literally call someone (anyone) on my way home so I am not in the car alone. The fear of abandonment and/or separation anxiety in this case is literally eating me up. Perhaps I will link to my threads on a BPD family support thread (if that is permitted) at some point. I have a whole journal on my 10-yr relationship with a borderline, and what I stayed through vs. being alone.
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
I might be off because I am reading your posts only and not hearing her side of the story, but based on what you wrote, the picture I get is of a spoiled woman who likes the material conveniences provided by a marriage to a high earning man and dislikes the emotional inconveniences that stem from the fact that her high earning husband has unusually strong emotional needs. So, she is going to get the most out of the divorce - post-divorce, she will enjoy some of the material conveniences provided by your support payments and by her retaining a share of assets, WITHOUT having to be bothered by your emotional needs and vulnerabilities. So for her this divorce is a win - she will dispense with the hardships and only retain the positive aspects. That is probably why she immediately jumped to the idea of divorce, without any hesitation - she did not like being married to a man with high emotional needs, but did like being married to a high earner. Very simple.
Again, it is possible that having heard her side of the story, I would not be saying this.
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Her side of the story...
1) She has been "begging me" to take a lesser paying job for 2 years so I could spend more time at home (while reducing her hours, spending more, and wanting a bigger house, new cars, etc.). This is what she says today to everyone who will listen; except the parenthetical.
2) She "knew" this woman was trouble, but "trusted me" 100%. She "told her friends" I would NEVER cheat on her (not sure why the discussion was even taking place).
3) As my friendship grew into more, she "let me" attend things with the other woman. She trusted me completely.
4) We were never struggling, that was just me coming up with reasons to justify my choice & my actions.
5) My actions were malicious. (Her logic = I made a choice, that choice caused her pain, therefore it was malicious). She doesn't understand the INTENT to hurt her was never there, I was just stupid, short-sighted, selfish, and a bunch of other things
6) I am the most selfish person she has ever met
7) I was sneaking off with my ***** while she cared for our kids (I was working ridiculous hours, not only maintaining our household income when she cut her hours but increasing it 50%. My affair consisted of eight -- 8 total hotel visits and a few other encounters. Not trying to minimize it, but she is trying to make it out to be that I spent 20-40 hours a week with this other woman -- trust me, not possible in one of the top 500 fastest growing companies in the mortgage industry, tripling in size in 18 months to over 2000 people while I contribute at an executive level reporting into the C-suite). Again, parenthetical is my addition.
8) I was texting my "girlfriend" while at the hospital delivering our child (I checked my phone when I went to the cafeteria to get a sandwich, and replied with our "status" -- the same status I called my family with. I was excited, and shared that with "her"). Parenthetical addition -- yet again.
9) I went home the night we had the baby to "see her". (We have dogs, and agreed not to board them, I did talk with "her", and we did make a point of seeing each other, but there was no "sex". It was wrong)
10) I was so comfortable with this affair to bring her around my family. (At one point, "She" had tickets to something, she invited me, my wife, my kids, my brother and his family. It was casual, but it was a very painful realization for my STB exwife).
11) I brought her into our home (she came to my home on a few occasions when my wife was not here and my kids were asleep).
12) I talked to "her" for hours and hours. (She pulled the phone records, correlated events, and has been marking everything on a calendar to talk about what I was doing here vs. there, etc).
I did add parentheticals and other comments, but those are her basic points. Should she forgive me? Probably not. I do need to really evaluate your (and others') comments here when I say I want her back...