I just had my 7th miscarriage in 2.5 years on the 19th. I have one healthy child from my first pregnancy and since then I haven't been able to have another one. The first 6 losses were at 5 weeks but this last one I made it to 10.

I am devastated. We had a heartbeat and baby was growing, we had too good ultrasounds, and then I went into to OB on the 15th and baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and no heartbeat. I ended up in the ER on the 19th. My body passed the baby in the toilet right when I got there and when I stood up the toilet autoflushed everything away. I still can't quite deal with that. I had to have an emergency D and C.

I am a complete wreck, I can't sleep well, I'm so angry and so sad. I've been off meds since Jan because I didn't want to be on anything while pregnant. Had preg in March, May, and then this one. So have spent a good part of the year with crazy hormones.

I had to move to a new area last year so I lost my amazing T and pdoc and haven't replaced them. I'm going to go to mental health tomorrow and try to get some help. If it wasn't for my son I just would give up but I can't do that to him.

All I want to do is drink, cut, and not be here anymore. I have to get myself together. It is so hard, and I feel so alone.

I'm scared to death to go back on meds, I'm afraid of the side effects. I'm afraid I'll get a mean or apathetic pdoc and I'll be playing russian roulette with my life. But how can I go on like this? I don't know what the right things to do is. I'm going to go tomorrow but I'm terrified and tired and overwhelmed.