Oh Purplesecrets,

What pain you are in. I'm so sorry. I am glad though that you are seeing a T. I think I know what you are saying but I don't want to say as I don't know if you are ready for it to be told. I am sorry for that.
Try to focus on anything good in your life. Even if it's just the tiniest bit of thing. Try and keep the negative out as much as possible.
You sound like a very intelligent person and realize yourself that your problems are insurmountable.
I wish the very best for you. Keep posting here and maybe it will help in some way.
Let us know how you are doing.
Take care of yourself as you are the number one priority.
Linda