hi all im new here and having a bad night...
i sat down tonight and wrote down everything that is going on in my life for the first time in a long long time... although i am glad to have finally done it ( i havent been able to write in years it just doesnt come out right anymore) it bought back many memories and feelings from my past...
the reason i am posting on here now is because tonight for the first time in 6 years i wanted to cut myself.. it took so much for me not to do it and i think the only reason i didnt was because i have to wear short sleeve shirts for work and wouldnt have been able to hide it.
im glad i didnt because i would feel even more screwed up now if i had, but the urge was so strong that it scared me, like i said its something i havent done since i was 16.
i know i have to see someone about it all and the last time i went to my doctor he had me in tears then told my mum a few days later that he thought i was unstable.. i know i have to get help but i am so scared. he suggested to my mum that i see a councellor but i cant afford it and thats why i havent seen him about it either, i havent been able to afford any meds he might give me until now.
Part of me is hoping i will get past all this again like i did when i was younger but the other part of me thinks that it will only get worse if i dont get help now, things are more stressful as an adult and stress is something i really cant deal with.
sorry to have bothered you all but i needed to get it all off my chest
thanks for listening

case