You have no idea how much I wish I could. Sadly, my downs leave me with no energy or motivation. Nothing has a point, from eating to getting out of bed. It's near impossible to due to bare minimum, while being healthy requires a lot of discipline, effort and hope. I have none of that and have not for so long I forgot what they feel like.

I have several times tried to be healthy in the past. Many times, for a month or more, I ate better and worked out and went for walks in the park. I mean everyone says how these things help and can give you energy and endorphins and improve all aspects of your health over all.

I was hopeful and kept at it, only to slowly realize: All of it did very little if anything to help. If I was on a long down cycle, the activities made me sore and sickly and never improved my mood. Some times I've even tried desperately to keep at them only to get worse and terrified.

It was really hard for me to realize that they did not work. I have even told therapists about this but they just same the same thing. "Keep trying, it will get better."

It's far past that point now. It's a miracle I even shower once a day. Keep in mind I have NO support to help me any more. I have no one to say they know it is hard but they want to go with me and encourage me. I have not had a friend who lived with in 600 miles of me for over 10 years. And my family says this is my fault because "no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time."

Basically, everywhere I turn I am wrong, useless and unable to act because my illness cripples me so badly. And even when I get a small crack of happiness, it lasts a few hours AT BEST and I'm back to the sobbing and fear and pain.

Yoga would be great, group walks would be amazing. Writing workshops, movie nights, video game tournaments! Oh wow how I WISH. It's rather pathetic how many times I have tried all these only to be left curled in a corner sobbing while more friends leave me. My uncontrollable and frequent breakdowns have ruined so many plans, so many attempts at doing something I enjoy that now the mere thought of trying causes even more breakdowns.

I am really happy and proud of people with mental illnesses who have found the correct meds and learned to cope and over come their problems. That is freaking AMAZING. I am so jealous. I wish just for one moment of my worthless life I could even COMPREHEND that I could do any of that.