Hi everyone,

I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until I was 26 years old two years ago... however it explains everything about my rather hard childhood school years.

Living in my own fantasy world at school (and home to an extent) was a HUGE coping mechanism for me growing up. I'd sit in class, safe and sound in my fantasy world, while the teacher lectured. I lived in fear of being called upon by teachers and being forced to re-enter the real world to answer a question although somehow I managed to do it. Heck, I was a straight A student - don't ask me how I was. I was in my fantasy world, conquering evil and saving the world with my imaginary friends, far more than I was ever actually listening in class.

In late high school and college, I eventually changed from being completely in my fantasy world to fixating upon the teacher and trying to remember every last detail he would say. Still, my fantasy world was always there for me when I was stressed or needed to escape reality at home due to my father's alcoholism.

When I went off to college, I tried to join the real world. I joined a sorority and went to class even though I was terrified of "growing up" and had never been able to envision a future past high school. Needless to say, I eventually couldn't handle it mentally and dropped out (my treatment-resistant depression also played a huge part in this).

I haven't retreated into my fantasy worlds for several years now; I've been simply existing and spending most of my time in bed. I live near my parents and do not currently have a job. There are times I think of my fantasy world from childhood, and I wonder if I allowed myself to fantasize when I am alone if my life might be more tolerable.

I will be 29 in December, and I am a little ashamed of wanting to retreat to a fantasy world due to my age. It was all well and good when I was a kid... but now when I'm almost 30? I'm ashamed even though no one else would even *know*. My fantasizing never kept me from interacting with the real world... but it was always hovering in my mind like a protective barrier nearby when I needed to escape into it. I could pull myself out of it easily, genuinely have a conversation with someone "in the real world," then put myself right back in my fantasy world. No one ever suspected that I lived inside my mind about 85% of the time, not even my parents.

I have a question for you adult Aspies: do you all still let yourselves escape into fantasy worlds when needed? Do you feel ashamed about it? Do you see it as a genuine coping mechanism?

I ask because I am thinking of letting myself fantasize and to live in my own fantasy world when I need to again, just like when I was a kid. I think it might make life more bearable as I said before, but even though no one will have a clue I am doing it, I am ashamed of myself. Is it okay for me to let myself have my fantasy world when I need it? I just feel like fantasy worlds are "supposed to be a kid thing" but I also know things are different for us Aspies. And I was only diagnosed two years ago so I'm still coming to terms with it in many ways.

Sorry if this post is a little scattered; I am not entirely sure how to write down my thoughts about this. Mainly I am wondering if other adult Aspie's have fantasy worlds that you retreat into when needed.

Thanks!