Hi k12573n,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you have had with your relationships thus far. It sounds like a very perplexing phenomenon indeed. It is disheartening to hear you are feeling lonely and lost. I can't say I have had this same experience but I know what depression feels like and that can cause people to push others away.

Personally, it seems to me that you need to build your self-esteem. I don't get the impression that you are happy or accepting of yourself. The tone of your post and seeing your signature is why I have reached this conclusion. You have to realize you are just as valuable as everyone else and it is okay to recognize that and celebrate it. You have certain qualities that make you unique and irreplaceable. The things you know are not "useless information" and your insecurities (tapping feet and teeth) can be overcome if you just invest in yourself. If you have not already, you should see what a good therapist can do for you. When I say a "good therapist", I mean one that is right for you. That might take a little bit of searching but it is worth it.

Lashing out at people or inserting a disconnection could just be a way that you tell yourself you are not deserving of a happy life with someone else. You might be punishing yourself by denying yourself closeness with others. It could also be a defense mechanism if you feel you have been repeatedly hurt by people in the past. Whatever the source, you need to first identify what is at the root of it and then find a way to heal. It sounds like you feel pretty bad about your behavior and that just adds to any self-loathing you may have. Happiness begins with you. When you love yourself then you can share love with others. Just remember you are worth every effort you put forth and you have a story to share with this world so make it the best one for you.