
Aug 28, 2013, 11:02 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2013
Posts: 7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by casurfer
Wow, some of what you are talking about sounds remarkably similar to some problems we've had. Based on what you're saying, it sounds to me like you are both at fault fairly equally.
An example of this is, my wife used to give off this non-verbal communication that she was upset, but when I would ask, she'd say nothing is wrong... even though what was wrong was she wanted me to take out the trash... but never asked me to do it. I'd go around the house all day knowing something was pissing her off, but she wouldn't tell me, she'd deny it, even though I knew she was upset. In the end what she was upset over, was something I'd totally do, if she asked.
The bottom line is that for things around the house, or with the kids... you do have to respect his opinion. My wife often tries to overrule me, and sometimes it forces me to stand my ground, I do have 50% say, but she really takes control of it. In the end it really annoys me that she does that because it makes me feel like my say doesn't count.
So if you want him to do something, you have to ask, but be prepared for him to say no... he may have a different plan than you, and he may have all of his own reasons for the plan... like going to work. I do think it is disrespectful of you to question him when he is planning on working, to provide for you and your child.... you shouldn't throw it out at him that he doesn't spend time with you... because in his mind, he's doing what he thinks needs to be done FOR YOUR benefit. It's partially your fault for not telling him a few days before that you wanted to spend time with him... plan it out, don't wait until after he's made up his mind what he wants to do.
Guys we're really simple quite frankly, we want to know our wife loves us, respects us, and appreciates what we do. In the end, you really should ask him what his needs are in the relationship, and make sure you are giving him what he needs.... conversely he should do the same.
If you can keep your cool, even after he starts yelling, that will be better. Sure people can get snappy at each other... you probably do it too sometimes... just let that stuff roll, and rather than say something back, you can do something physical, like grab his hand or hug him and ask him as nicely as possible to NOT do that.... basically try to defuse the problem before it turns into a shouting match.
All of this stuff can get better... both of you need to mature and respect each other!
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Thank you for your post, this makes a lot of sense. I guess I just always figured that when I ask him to do something he should do it because he's my husband. I'm not similar to your wife in the way that I always ask him to do things and that's when he tells me I "nag" him because he says he'll do it in a minute or later and I know he won't unless I remind him all the time so I tell him over and over to do it now and then he gets upset and will make snappy comment. I guess in a sense I'm pushing him and maybe should back off a little. As an example today I told him I was going to the gym and had just put our son down for a nap. He said ok and to please be back at 3 because he needed to leave for work. I saw a friend at the gym and didn't realize the time and ended up not leaving the gym until 3 instead of being home at 3. I texted him to tell him I was leaving then and he said "Peach! I really need to go". I said I'll rush home and be there soon. Then he called me 5 minutes later and was really upset and said "Great well I'm chasing the f***ing dog down the street because somehow he got out and is running away". I really wanted to snap back at him and say "don't talk like that or cuss at me" but I realized he wasn't cussing at me or mad at me and that he was just frustrated that I wasn't home on time for him to leave for work and now he was chasing the dog down the street in his work clothes. Then when I got home he greated me with a kiss and asked me to please be respectful of when he needs to leave for work. I guess I am just paranoid because I associate being upset and raising your voice with verbal abuse, but like you mentioned I should let some things roll off my back and see the bigger picture about why he is frustrated. I like your idea about grabbing him and hugging me to try and defuse the situation. He'll often do that to me when he realizes that he may have snapped at me and usually I pull away. The more and more I write now I'm sounding like the one who is disrespectful. I just think it's give and take and it's REALLY hard! I hope we can work at it and be successful in our relationship because I really do love him!
Last edited by darkpurplesecrets; Aug 29, 2013 at 09:13 AM.
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