Yeah, I get it.

That's why I say any kind of illness is a family issue, not an individual one. Even if it's something purely physical, and in no way mental or behavioral, the family needs to be educated as to how to meet that person's needs, such as someone with emphysema needing oxygen, and the family learning how the machine works. At the very least, the family needs to know how NOT to make the condition worse. Picture a family continuing to light up their cigarettes in that person's presence, blowing smoke right into their face, and then saying, "Well, why should I have to change my behavior? I'm not the one with the illness."

The only hesitation in my mind about calling them all toxic when they do this is that my husband might say some of those toxic things himself, at least when we first got together. The fact that he's making progress and attempting to change his ways shows me it's not being sadistic on his part. It's ignorance. It used to be worse. He's learned not to say invalidating things such as, "That's nothing to cry about," when I do. He honestly didn't understand that just because HE wouldn't cry about something, doesn't mean I shouldn't. He isn't the crying type anyway. He had to learn that many (most?) people are more expressive than he is, but still within the range of normal. Related to this, he freely admits he has his own issues. He will be honest about the fact that he can't tell a strong emotional reaction from a psychiatric meltdown. Because of his own limited scope, they look the same to him. It's like being emotionally colorblind. As long as he knows and admits that on that matter it's him, not me, I can rest assured he's not being toxic.

And it took a few sessions with my therapist to get him to understand those things. I remember one session when I was very angry and crying, and hubby looked at T like, "Well, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I mean, she's having a crisis right now in front of you--isn't she?" T had to explain to him that I was merely upset, that it's OK to be upset sometimes, and that it's not some kind of unusual behavior. People cry in his office all the time. That was news to hubby. He honestly didn't know it was normal. So, knowing only that I had a depressive illness, he had concluded that any and all crying I did was part of that. I'm glad he went to therapy with me to learn better.

My first husband, though, now HE was toxic! His favorite game to play was to do something he knew was upsetting to me, ignore me when I asked him nicely to stop, and then keep on doing it until I blew my stack. At that point he could tell me I was crazy just like his screaming shrew of a mother--and I'm sure you can guess, he did that to her too. I'm wondering now, in fact, how much of her being a screaming shrew was on her, and how much of it was him doing that to her.