Thanks for your replies!

It really plagues me at times to the point of a frenzy. I worry I wont get better at all and will die with BPD. I fear I will never make it up to my husband and one day he or I will die and it will be too late. I fear my life speeding before me and have done nothing but try to get better and then I am on my death bed. I don't think I would fear everyone dying so much if everything was 'normal'. I have been so restricted in what I can do, that I have hardly done anything worth mentioning. I fear more than anything my husband dying without having first, a good life with me. So far it has been a dreadful chaotic whirlwind.

What if he dies before I can make it up to him, before I make significant changes?

Sometimes I just think he is better off without me and I should leave him. Maybe he should leave me...no actually, he SHOULD leave me, I am a terrible person with a terrible personality.

One day it will just be too late and I fear that time is coming at any time