I have this ingrained way of thinking and it's very paradoxical. I tend to be a pretty postive thinker in many ways and pretty optimistic about things but at the same time inside there's this pessimist in me saying "no that'll never happen..." with regards to good things actually happening. It's like a constant battle inside my poor fragile brain. o.O

Anyway.. on the one hand I'm very optimistic about the future. I see things finally happening for me and I keep thinking "well it's been a long time coming, it's about time" Basically the car getting on the road and in the future, the new place for me and my kids. But a part of me is in disbelief. Part of me has a hard time believing that anything good can really happen, and that something is sure to go wrong about it all. "It's not possible for S4 to have things go his way, not to this extent" as if this is beyond what could really happen :/ it's irrational and illogical because what is happening, is what people do in life, right? They have cars, they drive to work and get their own places etc.. it's not anything outrageous.. But the pessimist remains there.. if it were real I would kick him in the butt right now and shut it up but .. I can't so.. there he remains I force myself to think more realistically on these things but it takes conscious effort.

So it's causing a bit of anxiety to try and haunt me right now. I'm alright, it's just a tinge of anxiety... the "what if?" it doesn't work out.. etc.

I'll be alright, just kind of venting Thanks for listening.