I dont know if this is the right place it seems to have elements of many. I worked the night shift for 12 yrs. The last 4-5 yrs working didnt feel real. I cant really remember much from that time whenever I come across something from that time period I'm like wow when did that happen. I do remember feeling that nothing felt real, I would stand in front of a mirror looking into my eyes for long periods of time trying to wake up. I used to see things that were off. I called them glitches. Like a bird flying backwards. I started to get a chronic pain problem. My back and legs hurt so bad. I've stopped working. Ive been diagnosed with arthritis on my spine. Since I've stopped working things have changed. Most of the time I feel awake. But sometimes I do things that are not me. I can remember them but its fuzzy like and old memory and when im in this mode time is different, 4 hours can feel like 15mins. I first I didnt really mind, This other me didn't worry about the things I did and the things we did were stupid. Like different clothes, taking a bath instead of a shower. I say the last 3yrs we started to do things that have made me feel ashamed. I would take pictures and do sex chat with anyone. I would do anything they asked. Soon I started meeting real life, letting strangers abuse me in anyway the wanted. I could see myself doing these things , felt disgusted and wanted to stop but I wasnt in control and its for some reason I felt that the other me was doing everything to hurt me. There were times that I'd try to talk to my closest friends about it. But I wouldnt and end up saying something to them that made them mad. About a year ago I was able to take control for awhile and I moved to a very rural house and sold my car. It stopped my sexual contact. But the self abuse continues. I recently had 3 days basically fly by. With out getting into to much detail I ended up with bad rope burns, welts, bruises and cuts from a strap. I did myself with a very large object, very bruised and ripped open some. I remember some of it but not all and what I do remember feels like it happened to someone else. I just dont understand why im like this and why cant I just not do it.